Kapono Gecko, the fictional character who lives in the soon-to-be-renovated Lahaina Public Library (contributions are still being accepted), knows it is annual condominium meeting season, because it's the only time anyone checks out "Robert's Rules of Order."
It has come to Kapono's attention that that the Ahola Resort Condominium, with its slogan "The opposite of Aloha," will be voting on new rules designed to corral certain unctuous behaviors.
Here are the proposed rules:
1) The Ahola will be an aloha-free zone.
2) No dog may bark before 7 a.m. on weekdays; 8 a.m. on weekends.
3) Cats are not allowed on the property; they will be captured in traps and euthanized.
4) Children will be seen but not heard.
5) Parrots whose voices extend beyond a lanai will be silenced before 7/8 a.m.
6) No owner may consume more than one sweet roll, three pieces of pineapple and a cup of coffee at the annual meeting to keep Ahola on budget.
7) Judges of election will be allowed to make only one major mistake per election.
8) Board members may respond to residents' suggestions, but must limit replies to ten pages.
9) Ahola will retain a professional arborist, who will take orders from the board and prune greenery according to specifications promulgated by the Landscape Committee.
10) The Landscape Committee will have the power to show favoritism to its members. It will allow exceptions to stringent rules on what owners can - and mostly cannot - do to the exterior of their homes.
11) When a homeowner plants a disease-resistant but unauthorized plumeria tree in an area visible to only two homeowners, the association will have a right to cut it down to "uglify" the area.
12) Lush ground cover will be cut to keep it from looking good, giving it the opportunity to recover over a period of months.
13) There will be a $500 annual fee to own a golf cart - more than double the amount paid by owners of adjoining properties.
14) Nothing will be done to improve landscaping in mysterious toxic zones, all of which happen to adjoin people who have questioned landscaping polities.
15) Stringent rules contrived by lawyers, devoid of flexibility and common sense, will be strictly obeyed.
16) There will be no short-term rentals, and no one will be allowed to stay in a home when the owner is away unless they are a blood relative. Newcomers will report to the office for a DNA test, and all owners will keep their DNA on file.
17) Directors who are on a power trip may not join other organizations that work for the greater good of the community, so that they will not be distracted from their micromanagement duties.
18) Officers will be allowed to serve in perpetuity up until the time it can be proved they are no longer breathing. Certification of death by two doctors is required.
Kapono considers these rules to be far-fetched. Maybe... maybe not.